it's over

I wanted you to fight for me. I gave you so many chances. One too many. Every chance, I was hoping you'd love me. I had faith in you. But two years is a very long time to not have it figured out. I wanted to know what I meant to you. If you'd really love me and wanted me in your life, you'd made sure I know that. You would do anything to keep me by your side, no matter what. I did love you. And I probably still do. You have showed me new things in life that I have never tried. And I will never forget those amazing adventures we had. From exploring the waterfalls and hiking trails in Hamilton, exploring and eating tasty foods in Montreal, going to Ripley's Aquarium and getting lost in Toronto, going camping for the first time with you and your family, going to Halloween Haunt at Canada's Wonderland and getting scared with you, the many lazy days just cuddling and watching TV shows with you, and freezing our faces off at Niagara Falls in the middle of winter.

But that love feels one sided and it feels like I gave you the love I wish you had given me. I wanted the man I'd hoped you would become. A partner that unconditionally loves me.

And honestly, I would never think that this would happen. That we would be broken up. When we first started dating, we had this deep bond and connection that I never shared with anyone else before. And I thought to myself, we're gonna make it. He's the one. But your feelings of love is totally different from mine and I just don't quite understand you. I'd hope that I would be the one to show you what love is and that you as a human being need love. We all need love. I really do genuinely hope you do find love one day. And when you do, I hope you find pieces of me that you'll regret losing.

i feel infinite

"It's much easier to not know things sometimes. 

Things change and friends leave. 

And life doesn't stop for anybody. 

I wanted to laugh. Or maybe get mad. 

Or maybe shrug at how strange everybody was, especially me. 

I think the idea is that every person has to live for his or her own life 

and then make the choice to share it with other people. 

You can't just sit there and put everybody's lives ahead of yours 
and think that counts as love. 

You just can't. You have to do things. 

I'm going to do what I want to do. 

I'm going to be who I really am. 

And I'm going to figure out what that is. 

And we could all sit around and wonder and feel bad about each other 

and blame a lot of people for what they did or didn't do 

or what they didn't know. I don't know. 

I guess there could always be someone to blame. 

It's just different. 

Maybe it's good to put things in perspective, but sometimes, 

I think that the only perspective is to really be there. 

Because it's okay to feel things. 

I was really there. 

And that was enough to make me feel infinite. 

I feel infinite."

- Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower



* * *
I still fall in love with this quote every time I read this.

I wanna wake up where you are.

i miss you

I miss you. 

It's been too long.
Even though we skype every week, it's just not the same.
I need to feel you. Touch you. Hold you.
I want to feel you breathing as I lay my head against your chest.
I want to feel your eyes on me when I look away.
I want this every day.
To get a good morning kiss before we start our day and then end it with cuddles after a tiring day.

I miss you.

Being so far from you has made me learn a lot of things.

Not seeing you every day can be hard, but you're always there when I need you. 

Distance also makes the heart grow stronger. 

We treasure every moment when we see each other. 

And we learned how to effectively communicate with each other.

Since we are both introverted, our love language is by touch. 

We may not be the best at talking, but we communicate by hugging, cuddling, and caressing each

other. 

I miss you.

Sometimes I wonder what your day is like every day. How work was, what you ate. I always wonder if you're happy or if something made you upset. I always wonder what you're doing right now. If you're thinking about me. 

I miss you.

I am counting down the days until I get to see you again. 

You make me realize how much I really miss you being by my side. 

I miss you. So much.

bored to death

Bored to Death - Blink-182

And it's a long way back from seventeen

The whispers turn into a scream

And I'm, I'm not coming home

quiet

The girl who is always quiet.

She has a lot of unsaid thoughts. 

Scared to tell someone, but dying to let them out. 

This girl is me.

outer space

"I like space," he said.

"Why?" she wondered.

"Because in space, all of my problems are far, far away.
No misunderstandings. No chaos. No human destructiveness.
It is an unlimited expanse of possibilities.
I want to get lost in the vastness of the universe.
It is somewhere I can be free.
Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known.

But most of all, you are like outer space.
A never ending wonder.
Your eyes are like galaxies, shining so bright in the darkest of nights.
Your smile warms me up like the sun.
Your lips trace my skin like constellations.
You are my universe and I want to get lost in you."

love yourself

"I think you're looking for something,

but you don't know what it is.

I think maybe that's why you 

cling to certain kinds of people,

to secure something in yourself that you're doubting.

Perhaps, in some sense,

you doubt your own future

which is why you always find

yourself in the hardest situations.

And then, you wonder why they leave.

You wonder why they don't need you or love you.

The truth falls heavy.

It's not that they don't love you.

Maybe you, my dear, still haven't

learned to love yourself."

- R. M. Drake

* * *

Hi guys. So I know I've been gone for a very long time. I'm so sorry. I just want to let you all know that I'm still here. I haven't been blogging because I was just too busy with school. But now that school's done (yaaass!), hopefully I'll be blogging again. I miss you all so much. 
Till next time,
Cindy :)

a letter...

Dear boyfriend,

I just want to say that you are such an amazing and lovely human being. I know I may not always tell you how much you mean to me, but you are everything to me. You make my days better and my nights serene. I want to thank you for being a wonderful boyfriend. I knew when I met you, an adventure was going to happen.

I want to write this letter to you, not just because it's Valentine's Day (okay maybe) but because I want to say all the things that I am so grateful to have you in my life. Thank you for being my best friend. You're the first person I want to talk to when something happens. Just being around you makes me happy. Thank you for listening to me and my rants. I know you probably don't care about this girl I don't like, but thanks for sticking with me and hearing me out. Thank you for being there with me when I'm a mess. The way you hold me when I cry and the things you do to make me feel better. Thank you for making me feel beautiful. You always tell me how beautiful I am, even when I just woke up in the morning or my face all red after crying. Thank you for always believing in me, even when I can't believe in myself. You are a great confidence booster. But most of all, thank you for being you. I just can't get enough of you. The way your voice sounds, your laugh, your smile, the way you think, how you look at me... I'm in love with all those things that make up who you are.

I always love how we don't need to talk when we're together. Just being with you is enough. I feel more like myself when I'm with you. I feel comfortable. I trust you with me. And honestly, you made me realize that the word home is not a place but a feeling. When I'm in your arms, I feel at home. You'd be nice to come home to every day. I feel so lucky to have you in my life and thank you for being so amazing.

Love,
Cindy

* * *

A letter I wrote to my boyfriend for Valentine's Day tomorrow.

Happy Valentine's Day! <3

hymn for the weekend

Hymn For The Weekend - Coldplay Ft. Beyonce

Oh, angel sent from up above

You know you make my world light up

When I was down, when I was hurt

You came to lift me up

Life is a drink, and love's a drug

Oh, now I think I must be miles up

When I was a river, dried up

You came to rain a flood

adventure

I want to go on an adventure.

I want to explore a place I've never been to before.

I want to see something I've never seen before.

I want to breathe new and fresh air.

I want to wake up to a marvellous view.

I want to eat and try different foods.

I want to see the sun from a different country.

And meet the moon somewhere foreign.

The hunger for new memories and experiences.

I need it soon. I need it now.

But most of all, I want to adventure with you.

I want to hold your hand in every new place we go.

I want to do things I've never done with you.

With the world full of wonder, I want to explore with you.

Let's just pack and go.

hello 2016

It's 2016. I'm glad to say I've made it this far. 2015 has been a rugged year. But I had to say it was a way better year than 2014. There were some good days and there were some bad days. But what year would not have bad days? No year is perfect.

I left my icky job at Breakaway Distributing and started school in September. I've met lots of new people and made new friends. I started to do yoga and learning the art of it. I have developed my relationship more with my boyfriend of one year now. And I learned to love myself more and to be more positive.

2015 has taught me so many things and I'm kind of glad that some negative things happened because I wouldn't be the person I am today. I wouldn't have learned anything if it weren't for those terrible days. Those days where I just wanted to give up. But it's 20 freaking 16. 

I want to leave all the bad things that happened last year and be a better person this year. 

I want to do and learn more things, meet more people, and see the world. 

I want to love and cherish the people that are in my life, and to stay by my side. 

I want to go on as many adventures as I can. 

I hope 2016 will be a good one.

Happy New Year!